Tarot Shadow Work- The Past

This week's Shadow Work was a real brain bender for me...I really had to dig deep and think about my past which was difficult for me due to the fact I had supressed and buried most of my childhood pain and resentments long ago... Which brings me to today's Shadow Cards... The World ..."Chasing a Rainbow -vs-The Challenge of Living in the Here and Now" and Judgement..."Paying the piper -vs-Rebirth."

These are the most loaded keywords that I have encountered to this date! While I completely understand how both of these Shadow Cards apply to me, I find it rather difficult to distinguish one from the other. To me, they are intertwined and to find the end of one Shadow simply leads me to the beginning of another and I feel as though I'm chasing my tail. It's strange to me how they depend on each other but at the same time I realize that if I can unravel the mystery, I can kill two birds with one stone.

As a child of an alcoholic home, dealing with reality (the World) was nearly too painful and almost hopeless as far as my choices went, so I had a very rich imagination and developed the ability and preference to be a "loner." Unfortunately this allowed me to cripple myself when in situations that I needed to relate to others on the same level. (Judgement) I felt and still do , even this day, very detached from others in my peer group.

I related very well to older individuals, because I was always mostly around adults (there wasn't too many kids my age that were close by, way out in the country) and when I turned 16, I made my living as a nurses aide in nursing homes and retirement facilities because it was a comfortable element for me. On a lighter note, I have four children and being an only child, it is near impossible to comprehend that whole sibling rivalry issue... It drives me insane!

Anyhow, back to the issue at hand...The frustrations and emotional losses ( like my father's suicide and estrangement from my mother) allowed me get stuck in loss and remained fixed in that loss as well as being an extremely harsh critic of myself and others rather than have a healthy ability to forgive past actions and being able to appraise myself and others realistically. I am able to look back now and see the past for what it was and within myself, as I work through this book, to forgive myself (and those around me) for real or imagined flaws and reflect that view where I might once have had a very black and white viewpoint.

Today's post was rather long, so I think that I will finish up a few random thoughts on this step next week.

Tarot Shadow Work- Self Loathing

In the sixth position of The Star of Discovery lies self loathing. The card I drew for this spot is Judgement....this card's Shadow meanings include: Having a harsh inner critic; Failure to be merciful or forgiving with myself or others; Holding a grudge; Being critical of yourself or others...hello...that is so me! The author must have been peeking in on my thoughts for sure because I couldn't have given a more accurate summation of my attitude!

As a child, my household was extremely critical and rife with perfectionism... my mother, I swear, had OCD because everything had a place and things were always so neat and tidy it almost sparkled. Children, as you know, are not neat and tidy nor are they clean and spotless... sometimes life does happen, spills, stains and mud pies are almost always a given. I often would entertain myself (I am an only child) by turning a knick knack or two just a hair to the left or right and watch my mother come unglued as she walked by (not even looking in the direction of said knick knacks) and suddenly just know that there was something amiss! Can you say grounded?!

As I grew up I think the result of growing up in that environment reared it's ugly head and festered into critical and judgemental thinking. What right did I have to set standards for everyone that I myself could not ever hope to reach?! What right did I have to hold others accountable for the very same flaws that I had?! It is said that what we detest in others is only a reflection of our own annoying behaviors, habits and attitudes.

How many times did that ugly old tape recorder play in my head..."Stupid... Lazy... Should have known better...If my head wasn't attached..." All those nasty little self defeating things we often say to ourselves and not even stop to realize what we are doing to ourselves and those around us. If this reminds you a little of yourself... try this week to repeat a few positive affirmations like "I am a good person, I am smart, I am worthwhile...and for goddess sakes.....forgive yourself!!