Tarot Shadow Work- The Past

This week's Shadow Work was a real brain bender for me...I really had to dig deep and think about my past which was difficult for me due to the fact I had supressed and buried most of my childhood pain and resentments long ago... Which brings me to today's Shadow Cards... The World ..."Chasing a Rainbow -vs-The Challenge of Living in the Here and Now" and Judgement..."Paying the piper -vs-Rebirth."

These are the most loaded keywords that I have encountered to this date! While I completely understand how both of these Shadow Cards apply to me, I find it rather difficult to distinguish one from the other. To me, they are intertwined and to find the end of one Shadow simply leads me to the beginning of another and I feel as though I'm chasing my tail. It's strange to me how they depend on each other but at the same time I realize that if I can unravel the mystery, I can kill two birds with one stone.

As a child of an alcoholic home, dealing with reality (the World) was nearly too painful and almost hopeless as far as my choices went, so I had a very rich imagination and developed the ability and preference to be a "loner." Unfortunately this allowed me to cripple myself when in situations that I needed to relate to others on the same level. (Judgement) I felt and still do , even this day, very detached from others in my peer group.

I related very well to older individuals, because I was always mostly around adults (there wasn't too many kids my age that were close by, way out in the country) and when I turned 16, I made my living as a nurses aide in nursing homes and retirement facilities because it was a comfortable element for me. On a lighter note, I have four children and being an only child, it is near impossible to comprehend that whole sibling rivalry issue... It drives me insane!

Anyhow, back to the issue at hand...The frustrations and emotional losses ( like my father's suicide and estrangement from my mother) allowed me get stuck in loss and remained fixed in that loss as well as being an extremely harsh critic of myself and others rather than have a healthy ability to forgive past actions and being able to appraise myself and others realistically. I am able to look back now and see the past for what it was and within myself, as I work through this book, to forgive myself (and those around me) for real or imagined flaws and reflect that view where I might once have had a very black and white viewpoint.

Today's post was rather long, so I think that I will finish up a few random thoughts on this step next week.

Four Of Pentacles Revisited...

It became evident to me this afternoon, that I had learned another interpretation of the little fox holding on very tightly to his Four of Pentacles, so I decided to blog about it as it is very fitting and needs to be gotten off my chest and done with for good.

Several years ago, I lived through a very devastating and traumatic emotional incident that changed my life and affected my very soul...After the numbness from the shock wore off I had always thought of myself as a survivor and counted my blessings to have made it out with my sanity still somewhat intact.

I swore from then on I had learned some very hard life lessons... and that was that... but never really approached the fact that scars remained and issues that still simmered below the subconcious surface would someday have to be dealt with....This afternoon they bubbled to the surface... and in one shining moment the Four of Pentacles became glaringly obvious.....

Things that can be held onto with an iron grasp can also include past unresolved conflicts and emotional injuries, whether real or imagined, and are quite tangible as the little fox's pentacles are to him. This may or may not come as a suprise to many of you but I really had never considered this to apply to this type of situation... I started to question myself...Why was I hanging on to this sadness...what did I possibly hope to gain by keeping it for all these years?

So, when you look back upon events in your past, what are you clinging to unnecessarily...outmoded ideas or ways of being that can be let go to the universe in order for them to be healed? Those hurts to your heart that really have no place in your life and simply take up room that can be used in more positive ways?

Today I choose to let go of my sorrow that took up residence in my soul for far too long and I resolve from this day foward, by releasing the old, I will make room for the new more uplifting experiences in my life.