In the sixth position of The Star of Discovery lies self loathing. The card I drew for this spot is Judgement....this card's Shadow meanings include: Having a harsh inner critic; Failure to be merciful or forgiving with myself or others; Holding a grudge; Being critical of yourself or others...hello...that is so me! The author must have been peeking in on my thoughts for sure because I couldn't have given a more accurate summation of my attitude!
As a child, my household was extremely critical and rife with perfectionism... my mother, I swear, had OCD because everything had a place and things were always so neat and tidy it almost sparkled. Children, as you know, are not neat and tidy nor are they clean and spotless... sometimes life does happen, spills, stains and mud pies are almost always a given. I often would entertain myself (I am an only child) by turning a knick knack or two just a hair to the left or right and watch my mother come unglued as she walked by (not even looking in the direction of said knick knacks) and suddenly just know that there was something amiss! Can you say grounded?!
As I grew up I think the result of growing up in that environment reared it's ugly head and festered into critical and judgemental thinking. What right did I have to set standards for everyone that I myself could not ever hope to reach?! What right did I have to hold others accountable for the very same flaws that I had?! It is said that what we detest in others is only a reflection of our own annoying behaviors, habits and attitudes.
How many times did that ugly old tape recorder play in my head..."Stupid... Lazy... Should have known better...If my head wasn't attached..." All those nasty little self defeating things we often say to ourselves and not even stop to realize what we are doing to ourselves and those around us. If this reminds you a little of yourself... try this week to repeat a few positive affirmations like "I am a good person, I am smart, I am worthwhile...and for goddess sakes.....forgive yourself!!
No comments:
Post a Comment