Tarot Shadow Work- Secrecy

Today I'm blogging about the fifth position, secrecy. The card I drew for this position is The Fool...some of his Shadow Qualities are: Not listening to your inner voice... Fearing or doubting the future... Refusing to try the new... Lacking playfulness and Rigidity. Looking at The Fool, I ask myself "What rarely do I talk about...? "What are my secrets and my family's secrets...?"What do I fear that people might find out about me?"

The whole energy of The Fool is his naivete, immaturity and apparent foolishness and when applied to myself this definitely does not fit a mindset of these qualities but an issue of age. One of my secrets (that at one time I rarely if ever discussed with anyone) is that a few years after my father's suicide, I was molested over a period of time by a neighbor and when I got older was then raped by him.

This was such a venerable time for me... I was only twelve...headed into puberty and looked at this person as a father figure which left me open for him to take advantage of the situation. For many years I remained silent, cursing and holding myself responsible for what happened not ever realizing that this behavior might not be limited to just me since most child molesters rarely stop at just one victim.

It wasn't until I was nearly midway through my thirties that I actually approached this part of my past and looked at it as a possible root cause of my psychological issues involving agoraphobia and post traumatic stress ...if it was not affecting me much then, it certainly paved the way for these problems to take root and grow larger with the years. My reaction resulted in my inability to experience fun as others do or even kick free of that rigid mentality I kept tightly wrapped around me as a cloak.

I realize that now that my secret was not my fault and my driving need for a father should never have been an excuse for an adult in a position of authority to exploit. As far as how revealing this secret has affected my life...? I'm more open now as to how I communicate with others my age and I understand that what happened then is not going to haunt me any longer, I am a whole, worthwhile individual and I am going to allow myself to shine as brightly as I was made to do.