The fourth position on the Star of Discovery deals with anger, the anger that is felt towards another that reflects our own anger and/or rage issues. The card that I drew for this position is The Devil. Shadow attributes of the Devil are failure to love ones self...being too serious about life...the inability to play and sexually repression.
Anger is usually always fear in disguise and position four is indeed frightening for me. I was taught as a child that expressing anger was inappropriate as well as acting silly... daydreaming and talk about anything that remotely had to do with the "S" word...you know... sex!. I'm not sure why these emotions were not acceptable or why my mother thought that sex was such a bad or naughty subject, I never really have asked her why but it seemed like being in control of myself was something I always had to remain vigilant about.
It wasn't polite to act out in public or touch things that were not mine but somewhere along the line any type of behavior that most children exhibit was frowned upon and one look from my mom and I knew I was treading on dangerous ground. It stunted me as I grew up and have always felt the irrational need to keep myself under control even if it meant at the cost of my opinion, freedom of expression or the natural human need for intimate contact. (that dreaded "S" word!)
That belief hindered my first marriage as I was unable to truly understand and practice intimacy on a normal level and I think it may have even been the root issue that led to my divorce. Life is a journey... a learning process.. and it becomes very rocky and unclear if we do not have a healthy foundation to base emotional responses on. I am still learning and growing and thank the goddess daily for guidance and her subtle way of pointing me in the right direction.
2 comments:
Very inforamtive post!!! Go to my blog and pick up your Award :)
IN reading your post more in depth, I can understand and relate to a lot of what you wrote, as I, too had a problem in that department with my 2nd marriage. It all became a very twisted and hurtful mess. I have since learned a lot of that experience and the man I am with and will marry next month is someone with whom I can be completely and totally honest with and just be myself. I have learned from my mistakes in the past and have come full circle. And life goes on! :)
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